Lately, my WW journey has been pretty on pause as I’ve dealt with losing my Half Marathon training, healing my back, etc, etc. Yet for some reason, when I got back from my mini-trip last weekend, two Milestones rewards were waiting in the mailbox.
The first was my 5 lb milestone keychain, celebrating being 5 lbs down from my starting weight (which was, apparently, higher than I remembered). The second was a 10 lb keychain that I’ve only earned if you squint really hard at my tracking and give me slack for the weeks I refused to admit what I’d gained back and just didn’t log anything.
Needless to say, that milestone is staying in the envelope until I actually earn it.
I’m still struggling with this weird duality of believing we need to stop shaming fat, wanting to shift my own perception of beauty and be more body positive, while simultaneously feeling wrong and frustrated at this weight. It’s one of those “I contain multitudes” situations, I think. Like this photo my roommate took of my boyfriend and I out having a nice time:
All I see is back rolls. That’s not what I want to see. I want to believe every body is beautiful and apply that to my self-image, too. But I also can’t deny that it is what I see. That I miss how photogenic I used to be, how I hate every memory being overtaken with how much I hate these photos of myself. It’s a complicated web of emotions, to say the least.
So here I am (again, ugh), re-committing to making healthier food choices. To not eating pizza every time I’m upset, or thinking “I deserve it” as a reason to have dessert after every meal. It’s not just that the weight makes me feel like a stranger in my own body–it’s also that I want to shift towards healthier foods so I can stay healthy, live longer, and just generally have a better relationship with food and energy. If I want to have an injury free training season and make it to the starting line in 2020, I need to fuel up on healthy foods and get strong.
But it’s a struggle. That 10 lb keychain is sitting on my dresser, taunting me with how I let it slip away in the whirlwind that is Grubhub, stress, and my increasingly Dungeons and Dragons centered social life (we order pizza or wings, like, every time. And how is a girl supposed to say no to that?)
So, there’s the honest reality. I lost 10 lbs, then I gained 5 of it back. I love chocolate and pizza and french fries, and I’m still trying to strike a balance between those things and the delicious, healthy side of life: like a great big chickpea buddha bowl, for instance.
Earlier this week, I got my first ever “blue dot” day. For those not on WW, this means you stay within the “healthy” range on your daily points allotment. I’ll admit, when I first started I decided it was impossible to do it, that I would be too hungry, that I could just use my exercise “fitpoints” to balance out my 30+ point days.
But in reality, if I make better choices and cut back on snacking, it’s perfectly possible to have more Blue Dots. So, my goal is to start actually aiming for the Blue Dot. Not every day (I believe in balance and muffins and french fries forever), but more days. So that soon enough, I can unpack that 10 pound milestone.
And while I do this work, I’ll continue doing the work of loving the process. Of not hating my body for not being what it once was, what I hope it will be. Self-love should come at every size, every strength, every pace. You can want to change without hating what you are in this moment. It’s hard. It’s a daily process. But I’m hoping it’ll really stick this time.